This past week in our Family and Leadership Ministries class we had a mini parenting class. We looked at the Scriptures and discussed and dialogued about different parenting strategies. I want to share some of the things I learned, not because there's someone out there who I think needs to hear this, not because I am starting some sort of parenting crusade. I just wanted to quickly share some of the things I learned this week that Courtney and I both found helpful and interesting in thinking about how we would want to parent one day.
There are an infinite number of parenting strategies, philosophies, styles, and ideas out there. And I don't really know much about most of them. Part of what we discussed this week was related to parenting and freedom for children. We learned about two different models when it comes to the way parents tend to parent their children:
The Inverted Funnel:
In this model, parents give children a great deal of freedom and choice in the early years. When the child is young, parents in this model give the child a number of choices: What do you want to eat? Do you want to go to bed? What do you want to wear? Do you want to finish your food? The same parents are also accustomed to providing a lot of feedback and end up negotiating frequently: "No, we can't eat ice cream this time. It's not good to have ice cream for breakfast." "I think maybe it is time to go to bed, you seem really tired and it's getting late." "How about you just eat three more spoon-fulls." It is all done with the best of intentions and with the thinking that the child needs more information to help them make decisions. One of the things missed with this approach is the sinful nature of the child and their inability to make proper decisions most of the time. "If they could only understand, if I just talked to them a little and helped them understand." That doesn't help most of the time, the reality is that children are not meant to decide what they eat, what they wear, or when they go to sleep. They shouldn't really be the final authority on when they have to sit at the table and when they can get up.
Another problem that often arises in these cases is that children begin to feel entitled to an explanation. Suddenly the explanation for why they have to put on a coat is necessary before obeying. Everything requires the parents to give an answer, and not just any answer, a good answer. This answer needs to be satisfactory to the child, who is growing intellectually and requires more sophisticated explanations for why they are being told what to do. All of a sudden, kids find themselves feeling restricted and unsatisfactorily instructed to do things. Mom and dad are more strict about bed times and when they need to stay sitting down and when they can move around. What tends to happen in this model is that the freedom/explanation/feedback begins to squeeze as children grow up. By the time the child is a teenager, parents (still with the best of intentions) if things are not going well, will restrict freedom, but it's the wrong time to do that. At this point in time, children are supposed to get ready to leave, but parents reactively squeeze in the authority and freedom.
The Funnel:
The idea behind the second model is essentially to reverse everything. This (I think) is the on that seems the most unnatural model or the one that we are least used to. It is definitely the one that takes the most intentionality. The idea here is to parent with the right priorities for the children. This model assumes that the most important thing for a 1-3 year old to learn is first time obedience. They don't need an explanation for what you are asking them to do. They don't need to know why they need to clean up the toys. What they need (primarily) is to understand that when mom and dad ask you to do something, you need to do it. They need to understand that they need to trust mom and dad even if they don't understand everything. Children who are accustomed to explanations and answers for everything often begin to develop a sense of anxiety and burden. They have grown accustomed to making decisions based on the level of satisfaction of the explanation and information they receive. It ends up not being based on obedience and trust on the parents.
"Because I said so" doesn't really cut it for a 15 year old or even a 10 year old. But a 2 or 3 or even 4 year old really shouldn't need much more than that. "You put your shoes on because dad told you to." The reason you start so tight is so that you have somewhere to go. Once the children have learned about the authority of their parents and that ultimately their obedience does not depend on "well that's not a good reason," then the parents can begin to loosen up. As children grow, their choices naturally grow. It's supposed to be like that. You begin to choose what you want for breakfast. You can decide how you're going to do your hair. You can more or less decide when you go to sleep. That is the natural way of maturity and adulthood. By the time children reach the teenage level, they have been well taught about respect and obedience and parents have slowly "loosened" up, and the children know that. They are given the freedom they want and expect (little by little) and are ready to be sent out in the world!
I am not a parent. Therefore, in a sense I really don't know anything about parenting. Anything. Yet in an other equally true sense, I've been learning quite a bit. Like a swimmer learning technique, the water is the real test. God-willing one day I'll be a parent too. Until then, I will continue to be amazed with parents and how they manage their homes and their lives with their children. But let's not forget to continue to study and to learn, even about our parenting!
