Parenting Funnels

This past week in our Family and Leadership Ministries class we had a mini parenting class. We looked at the Scriptures and discussed and dialogued about different parenting strategies. I want to share some of the things I learned, not because there's someone out there who I think needs to hear this, not because I am starting some sort of parenting crusade. I just wanted to quickly share some of the things I learned this week that Courtney and I both found helpful and interesting in thinking about how we would want to parent one day.

There are an infinite number of parenting strategies, philosophies, styles, and ideas out there. And I don't really know much about most of them. Part of what we discussed this week was related to parenting and freedom for children. We learned about two different models when it comes to the way parents tend to parent their children:

The Inverted Funnel:

In this model, parents give children a great deal of freedom and choice in the early years. When the child is young, parents in this model give the child a number of choices: What do you want to eat? Do you want to go to bed? What do you want to wear? Do you want to finish your food? The same parents are also accustomed to providing a lot of feedback and end up negotiating frequently: "No, we can't eat ice cream this time. It's not good to have ice cream for breakfast." "I think maybe it is time to go to bed, you seem really tired and it's getting late." "How about you just eat three more spoon-fulls." It is all done with the best of intentions and with the thinking that the child needs more information to help them make decisions. One of the things missed with this approach is the sinful nature of the child and their inability to make proper decisions most of the time. "If they could only understand, if I just talked to them a little and helped them understand." That doesn't help most of the time, the reality is that children are not meant to decide what they eat, what they wear, or when they go to sleep. They shouldn't really be the final authority on when they have to sit at the table and when they can get up.

Another problem that often arises in these cases is that children begin to feel entitled to an explanation. Suddenly the explanation for why they have to put on a coat is necessary before obeying. Everything requires the parents to give an answer, and not just any answer, a good answer. This answer needs to be satisfactory to the child, who is growing intellectually and requires more sophisticated explanations for why they are being told what to do. All of a sudden, kids find themselves feeling restricted and unsatisfactorily instructed to do things. Mom and dad are more strict about bed times and when they need to stay sitting down and when they can move around. What tends to happen in this model is that the freedom/explanation/feedback begins to squeeze as children grow up. By the time the child is a teenager, parents (still with the best of intentions) if things are not going well, will restrict freedom, but it's the wrong time to do that. At this point in time, children are supposed to get ready to leave, but parents reactively squeeze in the authority and freedom.

The Funnel:

The idea behind the second model is essentially to reverse everything. This (I think) is the on that seems the most unnatural model or the one that we are least used to. It is definitely the one that takes the most intentionality. The idea here is to parent with the right priorities for the children. This model assumes that the most important thing for a 1-3 year old to learn is first time obedience. They don't need an explanation for what you are asking them to do. They don't need to know why they need to clean up the toys. What they need (primarily) is to understand that when mom and dad ask you to do something, you need to do it. They need to understand that they need to trust mom and dad even if they don't understand everything. Children who are accustomed to explanations and answers for everything often begin to develop a sense of anxiety and burden. They have grown accustomed to making decisions based on the level of satisfaction of the explanation and information they receive. It ends up not being based on obedience and trust on the parents.

"Because I said so" doesn't really cut it for a 15 year old or even a 10 year old. But a 2 or 3 or even 4 year old really shouldn't need much more than that. "You put your shoes on because dad told you to." The reason you start so tight is so that you have somewhere to go. Once the children have learned about the authority of their parents and that ultimately their obedience does not depend on "well that's not a good reason," then the parents can begin to loosen up. As children grow, their choices naturally grow. It's supposed to be like that. You begin to choose what you want for breakfast. You can decide how you're going to do your hair. You can more or less decide when you go to sleep. That is the natural way of maturity and adulthood. By the time children reach the teenage level, they have been well taught about respect and obedience and parents have slowly "loosened" up, and the children know that. They are given the freedom they want and expect (little by little) and are ready to be sent out in the world!

I am not a parent. Therefore, in a sense I really don't know anything about parenting. Anything. Yet in an other equally true sense, I've been learning quite a bit. Like a swimmer learning technique, the water is the real test. God-willing one day I'll be a parent too. Until then, I will continue to be amazed with parents and how they manage their homes and their lives with their children. But let's not forget to continue to study and to learn, even about our parenting!    

When Men (and Women) Are Told to "Act Like Men"

"Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love."

-  1 Corinthians 16:13-14

Act Like Men.

These three words have created quite a buzz over the past couple of weeks, especially in Southern Ontario. A few months ago it was announced that a conference would take place in Hamilton, ON featuring Mark Driscoll, James MacDonald, Matt Chandler, and Greg Laurie - Act Like Men Conference. There was a lot of excitement in my circles about the conference and, sure enough, about 8,000 men gathered this weekend to worship and learn from these speakers on this issue.

Right at around the same time, another group of churches and individuals were feeling more and more uneasy about the conference and the message they felt it was trying to spread. They organized a counter-conference, also in Hamilton, with the goal of presenting different evangelical perspectives on gender roles and biblical masculinity. The Act Like Men? Broadening the Conversation on Men, Women and the Church was organized as an "anti gender discrimination" conference and held last weekend. Coincidentally, and in a totally unrelated manner, my pastor in Louisville (several hundred miles away from the ALM Buzz...) preached through 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 this morning, as the next text on our series on 1 Corinthians.

Needless to say, I have been thinking about these three words a lot over the past couple of weeks. For some people, these words have been a reason to gather with great anticipation and excitement with other men and worship. For others, these words have been almost offensive and discriminatory. (See blog posts by organizers and participates here and here) So what are we to make of this verse and these words? 

When Paul wrote these words to the church in Corinth, he was indeed addressing the whole church - including the women. As Dr. Westfall rightly pointed out in "ALM?", from this passage, we gather that Paul wants women to "Act like men" too. So what did Paul have in mind when he told the church to "act like men"? In Paul's days, it was a male characteristic to be bold and courageous. Paul is not saying this view was the right view to have or the wrong view to have, it simply was the case. Paul is making an appeal for men and women in Corinth to not be afraid, to be strong. He adds to that, "be watchful, stand firm in the faith, be strengthened". It would have communicated a similar exhortation as someone saying "be watchful like a watchdog" or "be strong like a lion" today. It probably would not have been offensive to say such a thing to a woman or to a man. 

That seems to be what Paul had in mind, but there is much more baggage in these three words today. The concept of biblical masculinity has been distorted by being pushed too far off both ditches on the road. Some people have (quite pathetically) taken biblical masculinity to be synonymous with dominance, exploitation, and license for abuse. In other more subtle ways, biblical masculinity has been exclusively associated with meat, sports, and hunting. Men like myself who enjoy activities such as reading and playing violin have to raise our eyebrows and question this definition of manhood. On a more personal note, I think that some of the well-meaning people who have put so much energy into the "ALM? Conference" sought to take a stand against this kind of understanding of what it means to be a man. I would have too, except that I HIGHLY doubt that the ALM conference was organized to encourage this distortion. I did not attend the conference, but that is not the impression I get from the promo video:

"You're not going to sit on your death bed and think about how your business is doing or how much money you made. You're going to think about God and you're going to think about your family!"

- G. Laurie

"My church will be served by me. My wife will be loved by me. My family will be led by me!"

- M. Driscoll

"Let sound biblical theology call you again and again out of a life of compromise, out of a life of self, out of a life of short-sighted self-serving!"

- J. MacDonald.  

I could be wrong. But this conference was not organized to get guys to be more competitive. It was not organized to get men to play rougher sports or put away their origami. It is not calling men to grow more chest hair or to grunt more frequently. The speakers are looking to inspire husbands to love their wives. To inspire men to serve their churches. To inspire men to put away greed and self-fulfillment and think about their families. Is this really what is upsetting some people?

My guess is no. But then why so much resentment against these men and this conference?

Nurturing love (1 Thess 2:7) and courageous boldness are both characteristics that ought to be present in both Christian men and Christian women. Christ himself displayed both and if you and I are in Christ, these things are for us to display as well. However, some characteristics are best emulated in either males or females. There is no masculine parallel to a mother tenderly nursing and caring for her infant. Paul simply looked to that exemplary characteristic and sought to display it as well. Similarly, there's a time for toughness and courage, and Paul calls women to exercise this "manly" characteristic as well.

Jesus was a man. He demonstrated tremendous conviction, courage and boldness as he led his disciples, rebuked the Pharisees, and took the full wrath of God on the cross. He was a man. But this man also washed his disciples' feet, and did "spiritual laundry" in Ephesians 5:26-27. (thank you Dr. Westfall for pointing that out!) While it is true that Jesus and Paul displayed both stereotypical "male" characteristics and "female" characteristics, it is not as though God is doing away with his original creation of roles and gender in the New Testament.

Why an "Act Like Men" Conference? Again, I am not sure about all the details of the conference. However, it seems like the speakers and organizers are aware of a pattern of weakness, laziness, and ignorance in this area in men. Although both men and women are called to be courageous, to be strengthened, and to be watchful, this conference is simply gathering the men and trying to equip them to do just that as men, and not as women. Some find a conference about equipping men to lead their churches and to lead their families something that should be countered and opposed. Paul certainly did not shy away from specifically and distinctly calling men, husbands, and fathers to lead. Throughout the Scriptures, God has maintained and highlighted the distinct roles of men in women even when these are overlooked or distorted.
    

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them" - separately and distinctly, in the image of God. 

For some more thoughts on these issues I recommend the following blog posts:
"When Men are Too 'Manly'" - James Dwyer
"1 Corinthians 16:13-14" - Ray Ortlund

My Great Commission Resurgence

The Great Commission and I go way back.

I was starting my undergrad and as I was learning about biochemistry, I also began to learn about the Great Commission. Jesus' famous last words in Matthew 28:18-20 were the core of what the "Cru" was about on campus. Campus for Christ (C4C) existed to fulfill the Great Commission beginning on our campus and going to all the nations. It was our mission, it was what we were about, and in my mind, it was what set us apart from other Christian groups I had been a part of. The idea of relying on the authority of Jesus as the strength to risk everything to go to all the nations and make disciples was radical. But this mission was one that I was willing to try - at least for those four years.

This former thinking of mine reveals my complete ignorance about the nature of the Christian life and the Great Commission. The call to risk it all and to "go outside the camp" (Hebrews 13) is not something that is or should be unique to any Christian group. It is not something that is meant to characterize any one particular church, para-church organization, or denomination. It is the one purpose and duty of the Christian - of all Christians. As my understanding of the Great Commission grew, my passion for missions increased and I was blessed to be a part of a few missionary trips in the summers. Slowly, my thinking adjusted and I began to see the broadness of the call. The call was not just for McMaster University and a certain group of Christians there. It was not one of the good options we had for four years before we all graduated and moved on to "real" life. The Great Commission is the real life, the real abundant life of the Christian.

Today, however, marked another significant milestone in my life and my role in the Christian Commission. It started with a great time of prayer and study of Romans 2. My heart was stirred deeply and distinctively as I was reminded of the pending judgment for all people. Later in the morning, I was blessed to hear Dr. Greenway, the new Dean of the Billy Graham School of Missions and Evangelism, speak on "A Full Gospel Ministry". This, my friends, was an unbelievable sermon. My heart was deeply moved as I felt a resurgence of the Great Commission in my own heart. As I heard the words in 2 Cor 5:17-21, I once again considered the option of doing ministry overseas, of simply leaving everything behind and of realigning my life agenda with the agenda of a missionary that the Lord Jesus has already assigned to me. I left today's chapel service for the first time considering changing my concentration in seminary. Graduating from the Billy Graham School of Missions and Evangelism would be an invaluable experience and undoubtedly a life-changing one. I left chapel knowing at least one thing - no student graduating from Southern Seminary (even from the school of Theology!) will graduate without being drenched with exhortation and encouragement on their role in the Great Commission and the reconciling of all peoples.

After chapel, I also spent some time reading Russell Moore's essay, "Theology Bleeds" and David Platt's "Outside the Camp". My heart continued to be enlightened to the glory of the Christian call:

"One purpose: the glory of God. He has created us, He has commissioned us, and He has commanded us to devote our lives and our churches to His glory in all the world. This is our purpose." - D. Platt

Platt's essay pointed to the next missing piece in my understanding of the Great Commission. The mission is not just for all Christians, it is for me! It had become incredibly easy for me to see how everyone ELSE had to strap their boots on and get going on the Great Commission, while at the same time keeping my "future plans" of local church ministry untouched.

The people of God have always been tempted to retreat from the mission they were given. The Israelites were not confident in the conquering of Canaan, the persecuted Hebrews in the New Testament were holding back from their mission as well. We must realize that distractions, physical dangers, temptations to remain comfortable, and hesitancy to leave family have always been there. And they will never go away. It is so easy to be willing to obey a Jesus who does not call us to go to the hard places. It is so easy to be willing to obey a Jesus who looks like us, who values comfort like us, who is okay with us staying where we want. The problem with that god is that it is us and not the real Creator of the universe who's heart is for ALL people.

Today I recommitted my life the Great Commission. I have reprioritized the needs of the world and the calling given to me by God over my own comforts. Today I needed to repent. The spiritual noise and glitz in North America is unbelievably sedative to the Christian who is not waging war on the principalities of this world by intentionally living missionally and evangelistically.

Let us not be lulled, not any more. Let us join the Spirit birthed resurgence for the Great Commission. No spirit-dwelled husband, wife, student, office worker, lawyer, musician, or pastor will ever know what it means to abide in the one Who's heart has always been for all nations until they surrender their lives to that same heart and mission. No Christian will completely understand the gospel until they understand their duty in gospel ministry for all nations. It is only us who have been given the ministry of reconciliation. So let us go forth as ambassadors. May we live lives and die deaths of Christ commanded Great Commission.

The First Two Weeks of Classes and Syllabus Shock

Once again I find myself writing a lot later than I would have wanted to, although the title of this post probably gives a good hint as to why. We have now finished our second week of studies at Southern and I think I can finally say I am getting over Syllabus Shock.

 

I was in denial until the end of my first week, but I was finally able to admit it and self-diagnosed myself with a mild case of Syllabus Shock. Apparently it's pretty common around here, although I kind of chuckled and raised an eyebrow at the concept the first time I heard about it. 

 

Apparently there's something in that first week of classes that "infects" you as you look at your reading lists, papers and tests that are on their way to you faster than you can get ready for them, not to mention adjusting to a new neighbourhood and way of doing (and writing...) things, together with family, church, work, and ministry responsibilities and maintaining a solid foundation for what you're doing by prioritizing your time with the Lord, without failing to maintain communication with friends and family back home and...

 

It was a little overwhelming.

 

It really doesn't have THAT much to do with the syllabus, but those syllabi seem to jump-start the whole "condition".

 

With that said, these two weeks have been great. We're pretty well adjusted to our schedules and routines, but nothing is as set and clean and straightforward as the nice 8-4 jobs we were used to. We've done quite a bit of exploring although there's always more to do. There's so much that has happened that it's hard for me to really know what to say here to try and summarize things, but I decided to answer a few questions we've been getting a lot and some that I'm making up myself because they're relevant to our first weeks here in Louisville.

 

What's the weather like down there?

Hot. Just... hot. Every day it's over 30ᴼC from the time we leave our house (7:45AM) to the time we get home, whether that's at 1:00PM, 4:00PM, or 6:00PM. The humidity almost always makes it feel like its over 40ᴼC so things often feel very sticky. I don't really mind it too much, but Courtney is really looking forward to the fall.

 

What do you miss the most about Canada?

Family and church hands down. But also my puppy Champ and some Nestea-powder, which we haven't found here. We also haven't found good popcorn salt... I kind of miss being able to read the French side of the cereal labels. A Tim Hortons around here would also be nice...

 

What do you like the most about Louisville?

Lots of things. We both love the country feel in the city. It's probably well known that Courtney is a small-town girl and I'm more of a city guy and that's why Louisville is so great. There's lots of old neighbourhoods and houses with big trees and big yards, away from lots of traffic, but the downtown is only a few minutes away. It really is a beautiful city with some really amazing people. 

 

What's your apartment like?

I'll work on a post and dedicate a whole post to that :).

 

When are you coming/going back to Canada?

Keeping Proverbs 19:21 in mind, we really don't know. We are hoping to drive up for Christmas but at this point we're not sure of a trip before that.

 

What classes are you taking?

- Intro to Church History (this one is probably the most interesting)

- Greek (Μου αρέσει εκμάθηση της ελληνικής γλώσσας)

- Theology of the New Testament (I get to see Schreiner twice a week)

- Theology and Practice of Personal Evangelism (this one is probably impacting my life the most)

- Family and Leadership Ministry (I'm very glad Courtney and I are taking this one together)

 

How about that sohthern accent?

What accent? No, sometimes it doesn't even feel like we're living in the south (probably because we are in the northern-most part of the south). You do hear it a little, but not enough to get me to drop my "eh's". (And for the record, "you guys" is still better than "y'all")

 

Feel free to post any questions or thoughts or if you're curious about any aspect of our lives right now! I'll be working on something about our apartment and neighbourhood soon!

 

The Meditation of the Majesty of Our King (Psalm 145:5)

"On the glorious splendor of your majesty and on your wondrous works, I will meditate"
-  Psalm 145:5

This is probably one of the most simple and straightforward verses in the psalm.

In the same way that David commits his soul to extoling God and blessing His name, he is now committing to the internal discipline of remembering and meditation on the Lord.

Here we see two things David wants to bring, keep, and stir in his heart. The first thing that David wants to commit himself to is the meditation of the wonder, awe, and splendor of God's majesty. As a king himself he is aware of the idea of a kingdom. He knows what it is like to rule over a people, to be in the highest position of authority over a region. David knows The trials and hardships of ruling justly - he understands the differences of people, the difficulty of maintaining peace, and the incredibly high honour that he has as the king of Israel.

In the same way, he looks to the heavens and thinks of the majesty of the King of kings and there he pauses. He stops at the thought of the majesty of his King and the perfection of his rule. There is no king who rules as perfectly as the Lord, there is no king with the power and authority of the Lord, there is no other as splendid as the Lord.

Secondly, David commits himself to the meditation and amazement of God's wondrous works. Every circumstance and event is approved and governed by the hand of God. Time itself does not bypass His authority and power and time itself is under his command. The events in our lives, the moments of joy, the seasons of pain, the days of doubt and the times of blessing are orchestrated and given to us by the Lord.

David has seen the hand of the Lord move. He knows that God is always working in and handling this plant and this universe of ours. What place does the meditation of this all-powerful God have in your life? Should we not commit ourselves to the daily meditation of the majesty and works of the Lord too? Would we not be strengthened by pausing and stirring up our affections for the Lord by meditating on the one splendor of the one by whom, through whom, and to whom all things were created? The discipline and delight of communing with God involves far more than simply reading a Bible. It requires the meditation of these two great realities.

Declaring the Mighty Acts of God as Praise (Psalm 145:4)

"One generation will commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts" -  Psalm 145:4

The greatness of God is not something for us to keep to ourselves. It is far too vast to contain within our own experience and memory alone - it must be proclaimed.

The capacity to perceive and enjoy the greatness of God is a grace of God Himself, but it is ultimately for the growing of His fame and for the furthering of the vision of the glory of God. The picture that David gives us in this verse is that of parents showcasing the greatness of God to their children. It is that of grandparents speaking of the goodness of God to their grandchildren. It is the intergenerational dialogue of joy and awe in families, in churches, at work, with other Christians and with non-Christians.

The means resulting in the communication of God's glory and greatness is the proclamation of His mighty works. The commendation of the works and acts of God is an incredibly helpful and repeatedly commanded way of honouring and displaying the nature of God to others and to ourselves. To intentionally remember and keep track of the proofs and evidences of the greatness of His generosity, perfect timing, perfect knowledge, or perfect patience helps us maintain and store up nuggets of sustenance for our own joy and awe in the Lord.

Part of the way we will notice maturity in your own heart is by growing to perceive the hand of the Lord in all things. This will clear and expand our vision of the greatness of God in all His majesty for all to see and enjoy. Let's not shy away from declaring or commending what we know are the works and mighty acts of God to the people that the Lord brings to us every day - so that we might, "Every day... bless... and praise your name forever and ever" (Psalm 145:2)

The All-Surpassing Greatness of God (Psalm 145:3)

"Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable" -  Psalm 145:3
 

At this point, after stating his desire and his longing to extol and praise the Lord, David begins to articulate and explain what pulls his heart to such strong affection and worship of God.

 

The first characteristic of God that David mentions, is His greatness. The greatness of God which encompasses all of his attributes is the very reason why God is worthy of praise. His greatness is the characteristic that defines all of His other attributes and what separates His love from our love, His justice from our justice, His willingness from our willingness, His generosity from our generosity. His greatness is His perfection. It is the greatness of God in all of who He is that makes Him worthy and deserving of our devotion and adoration.

 

Everything about God should be seen and understood as superlative and infinitely more perfect and encompassing - especially as it relates to our own traces of such characteristics. The Lord is to be praised in accordance with His nature. The greatness and ultimate perfection and greatness deserves and requires nothing less than the greatest honour and devotion.

 

Ultimately, the outer fringes of God's never-ending and infinite holiness are too vast and effectively too great for us to completely see and understand. On one hand, they can be so clearly perceived and we can be so genuinely amazed by God's holiness and perfection in every way, but at the same time we must keep in mind that the glimpse of God that we can see is at best partial, blurry, and imperfectly informed. It is a glimpse of the truth nonetheless.

 

Do you see that the greatness with which you see God, and the way you stand in awe of Him will directly impact the way you worship and praise Him? David's desire to bless and praise the name of the Lord forever is attached to his desire to maintain a healthy and appropriate view of God's awesome greatness. We must understand that part of the maturing process of a Christian involves maturing in our eyes to see Him clearer each day, accompanied by growing awe. We must never be satisfied with the boundary that we think we see of God's greatness, that boundary does not exist, it is never really there. Without a growing understanding of God's greatness, our worship will plateau and plummet.